The two extremes

Often I don't beleive people know how to date as Christians... there are two extremes...

Play 20 questions in the very beginning and scare the person away....

...or Don't ask enough questions before going out. How long is too long to laugh and talk to someone on the phone before hanging up. Surely talking on the phone without intimate details is safe... right?

There are no rules in the bible on this... the elder women are supposed to teach the younger women... but honestly... I have yet to experience that.

I personally don't date at all because --- I feel so lost... it's also a very lonely feeling as well... but I don't get hurt.

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Permalink Reply by Pearline on January 5, 2010 at 6:17pm: Angeleque

This is so true. Just a couple sundays ago i was sharing with an older brother at church; that we are so lost - the older women don't mentor us , its like trial and error or no trial at all, for the sake of not getting hurt or not making a mistake.

There is a way I deal with it though. Since the older women are not voluntarily giving any information, I ask alot of questions. At times I may feel like i'm dumb but I know what i want to achieve. I not only get the womens views but men also.

Its an eye opener; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Angeleque on January 5, 2010 at 9:44pm: Hi Pearline, you have a point. For me, it's difficult to connect with older women (sometimes) not all the time.

But I agree, probing them for advice works, perhaps they are just as uncomfortable advising younger women.

It only takes a step.... when I was younger the older women of my church would more or less selct the young wormen for things like the Young Matrons or the Usher Board because they saw potential in you. I believe some women (elder) are still doing that and using that opportunity to speak to young women about saving themselves, attire and church etiquete (sp).; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 6, 2010 at 2:31am: I was just having this discussion with a firend of mine. One thing we did discuss is that often churches make attempts at singles ministries to somewhat address this issue. The problem is, the needs of singles are very diverse. For instance, you have the widowed, the single parents, the divorcees, the experienced but still single, the never dated single...I think you get my point.

Anyway, while the older women are to teach the young, I think that sometimes that is just as intimidating for them as it can be for us. I really think the dynamics of dating/courtship/whateveryouwannacallit have changed a bit...the basic principles should not have changed much, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are easy to identify and define. And we are in a situation where we are seeking adivce from women who basically lived with their parent until they married. I want ot know how to balance my stressful job, church responsibilities, and maintain my current friendships while still developing a relationship with that significant other.

Bear with me here...
I am trying to think of "older" women in my church that I would want to be mentored by. And honestly, it is hard to imagine much more than "STAY PURE" from any of them. Well, quite frankly, I have heard all that. What I want to know is how do I find a suitable bachelor, remain focused without scaring him away, yet protect my heart. Honestly, the times I have sought out wise counsel, it did not turn out so well.

For instance, I sought out the counsel of the "church mother" before dating a particular man in my church. She had known him for years, so I figured her opinion would be helpful. I also knew she could be brutally honest...exactly what I needed. Well, I have since broken up with him...a somewhat disastrous relationship. You know what she said to me recently? Honey, I sure am glad you got yourself out of the bondage to him. I thought, "You totally gave me the go ahead!??!?" Oh well, lesson learned, but I really wish she would have been completely honest about his character in the first place.

I guess my experiences with gleaning adivce have not gone so well, so I have a bad taste in my mouth. I also don't care much for the varied, yet extreme viewpoints on this that you will get in church which usually come in the form of unsolicited advice! lol!

I do feel ya'll on this, though. It is frustrating and lonely...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Angeleque on January 6, 2010 at 3:03am: Hi Tammy,
I totally agree. There hasn't been much advice that I've taken from the ender mothers that have been helpful... not so much to me... in other people's lives I've noticed it "appearing" to help. At least at first. I am sorry your relationship ended. And that it was a disaster. I don't know... but it sounds to me that the wrong advice or at least not the entire truth was given in both our cases. Perhaps your elder was trying to be objective without betraying the trust of the gentlemen. I don't know but I do know this... we must trust in GOD. I don't mean that to sound like a cliche' (sp?). I just mean, if we meet someone or start to talk to someone and in our heart we do not have peace about it we have to listen. No elder will be present at that moment... you know the moment the exact moment that you know inside your heart... yeah...this isn't right or he's not the one... I beleive that's God. If we listen right at that moment, we would allow him to save us from a lot of heart ache. I know I would. :) ttfn :); ▶ Reply to This